Thursday, June 16, 2011

One Vodka Soda Please, Hold the Vodka

A woman should announce her pregnancy when and where and to whom she chooses.  It's a major moment and choreography is allowed.  But it doesn't always go as planned.  Despite wanting to control the big reveal, there are obvious signs that point the outside world straight to PREGGERS before the official word is announced.  Alcohol, or the avoidance thereof, is one of these signs.

After some group brainstorming (read: asking my husband during a long car ride when he had no option but to answer me...his attempt to fake sleep didn't work) and a few glasses of wine (in my living room when I was done driving), here are some ideas:

"I'm on antibiotics" - Fake an antibiotic prescribed illness.  Everyone knows you can't drink alcohol while taking antibiotics because it nullifies the curative effects.  Do adequate prep if you're dealing with especially nosy friends - what is the sickness and what are the meds.  A two month prescription of twice daily vicodin for pink eye will probably get you caught.  Don't give details unless asked, the less elaborate the more believable. 

These are NOT antibiotics.
But they are gummy and delicious and
perhaps a good substitute for prenatal vitamins

"I'm not feeling well" - Telling everyone that you're not drinking because you don't feel well is certainly closer to the truth (if you're not into the whole lying thing), but less likely to work.  It's hard to fake illness in a credible way and anyone already suspecting that you're pregnant will think your sickness is morning sickness.  Plus, there's always that one friend who''ll say, "you can still drink, just one."  If you go for it, don't be flamboyant - fake coughing won't fool anyone - and head home early.

A sick puppy?  I don't buy it for a second.

Enlist the Waiter - This is ballsy and only recommended for usage with the right waiter.  After everyone orders, excuse yourself to the bathroom and track down the waiter.  Then, confess your situation, ask him/her to bring you a non-alcoholic version of whatever you ordered and beg that the secret stays that way.  If you think your friends are the type to review the bill in minute detail before paying, tell the waiter to charge you for the alcoholic version anyway or that you'll pay for your virgin beverages on the side.
Don't enlist a waiter that looks like this guy

Order a Drink-look-a-like - Order your own drink outside the presence of all friends/family.  Go to the bathroom and grab a drink on your way back or have a co-conspirator order.  A soda water with a splash of cranberry juice and a lime looks like an alcoholic drink.  No one will ask.  If anyone does, it's a vodka soda with a splash of cran.  And if anyone has the balls to ask for a sip, then first call him/her out for being a weirdo (everyone knows what a vodka soda tastes like) and casually allow it.  If they comment that it tastes weak, DENY DENY DENY.  You didn't notice.

Soda water with a splash of cran...fooled you, right?
Garnish is key, go for the lime, lemon, cherry, whatever.

Fake Drink - You could always pretend to drink but not actually drink, although it's tricky and annoying.  Even your most clueless friend will put two and two together if you try this at an intimate dinner party because despite all your sipping the beverage level will remain at freshly poured.  At a crowded bar or party, just dump out part of your drink in the bathroom.  If anyone asks, you're on your 2nd or your 3rd.  I recommend practicing before the big show to avoid dribbling.

Fake drinking gone wrong

(ps - images found here, here, here, here and here)

I would LOVE to hear stories of people carrying out any of the above. 


Jessica Morris said...

My best friend was in her early stages of pregnancy during our families annual Labor Day cabin trip (translation - a solid weekend of partying). She had everyone fooled by drinking out of a Coors Light bottle that had been rinsed out and filled with water. When she needed a "refill", she made sure her husband brought it for her. I did think something was weird when she went to bed at 10:30 two nights in a row, but I just assumed we were getting a little lame in our "old age".

Leah (it's me) said...

Jessica - GREAT idea on your friend's part, she definitely thought that one through. I think having a co-conspirator is clutch.