Hiding Pregnancy From Your Boozy Friends

Two and a half years ago, I wrote a post (here) about trying to hide your pregnancy during a cocktail infused social situation. Over the past two and half years, I have had the experience of being that pregnant woman who tried to hide her business. I've also had the experience of witnessing pregnant women try to hide their business. I say "try" because, honestly, I've never seen it work. Not for me and not for anyone else.

So, I thought I'd go back over the methods that I listed back in June 2011 and see if I could provide some pointers now that I have actual experience under my formerly pregnant belt.

"I'm on Antibiotics"

Okay, I've never seen this one used, which may mean that it actually worked on me or that it's complicated, awkward and not a crowd favorite. There are two important considerations with this option. First, if you're sick enough to need antibiotics, why aren't you home in bed? Second is the details. What are you sick with and what kind of antibiotics are you taking and are you sure you're not suppose to drink on them? This one needs to be thoroughly thought out and you also have to be comfortable telling a full on lie.

"I'm not feeling well"

Please. You're not well enough to have a Mimosa but you're well enough to get up and out for a Sunday morning brunch? No one is buying it.

Enlist the Waiter/Bartender and Order a Drink Look-a-like

This is a popular method, but more complicated than one would think. Hence, I've seen it fail on multiple occasions. First, make sure the waiter charges you for a vodka soda even though he's only bringing you soda. When you're splitting the bill at the end of the night, a nosy friend is going to give you a shout out when your "cocktail" is listed as "seltzer" and it cost $2 instead of $8. Second, make sure that the waiter/bartender uses glassware that's intended for alcohol. If your gin and tonic comes in a pint glass instead of a high ball glass, your cover is blown. And make sure the bartender doesn't mark your non-alcoholic drink with a double straw or extra lemons or a handful of cherries.

Fake Drink

Some people are decent at it, but no one is great. Other than the fact that the level of wine in your glass doesn't go down, fake drinking is actually harder than you would think. Poor form can leave liquid dribbling down your chin. If this is your method of choice, I recommend a bottled beer - they're the easiest to not actually drink from and they are the hardest for someone to look at and determine how much liquid remains.

Partner Up With a Booze Bag

This method was not included in my original post and probably for good reason, it (too) doesn't work well. I say this having tried it myself. Here's the plan, you sit next to someone who knows that you're pregnant. You both order the same drink. You strategically place both of your drinks next to one another. Your booze bag partner alternates drinking from both of your glasses. Sounds like it has potential. For me, it failed miserably because my partner got wasted and pulled both of our glasses directly in front of him and double fisted. If you guessed that my partner was my husband, you'd be correct. We should have practiced.

House Party Fake Out

A commentor on the original post told a story of her friend who emptied out a bottle of Coors Light, filled it with water and drank water out of the bottle all night. Clever. I've also seen this one in action and only figured it out because I was already suspicious. Unfortunately, this is really a house party method...you can't bring your bottle of beer to the bathroom with you at a restaurant and women tend to take group bathroom trips at bars.

I wonder if Kim Zolciak-Biermann fake drank wine during her first trimester?
(image source: Kim Zolciak Instagram)

What method did you use? Did it work? Did you ever catch anyone using one of the above methods? Any methods that I missed?

The Hardest Sacrifice

What's the hardest sacrifice that a woman has to make when she gets pregnant?  Don't think too deeply on this one.  I'm not talking about life-altering, emotional sacrifices like choosing the needs of one's unborn baby over oneself.  I'm talking about the opposite - shallow, temporary sacrifices.  Today I'm polling this question for no other reason than satisfying my curiosity.

Which of the following would be, is or was the hardest thing to sacrifice during pregnancy.  If I don't list your vice below, please feel free to spell out whatever else it is that you will miss/are missing/have missed for 40 weeks.  Kindly leave your choice in a comment.


ALCOHOL - This has to be top on the sacrifice list for most, or am I just a wino?

image here

LARGE AMOUNTS OF CAFFEINE - You are correct if you believe that small amounts of caffeine on a daily basis are no big deal (at least this is what I read after a stitch of research).  But, if you're a pot of coffee a day type lady, there will be necessary cut backs.  A cup of Joe a morning is fine, a half dozen espressos is probably not.

image here

SUSHI - I've recently heard that as long as you're eating reliable sushi, you're allowed to keep the soy sauce flowing.  Reliable sushi being sushi from a restaurant/vendor that you know and trust to be 100% bacteria/parasite free.  But, it's very hard to know when you're eating reliable sushi, so for most this will be a sacrifice.

image here

RECREATIONAL DRUGS - I just put it on the list to see if anyone was interested in admitting their habits in the publicly accessible yet judgment free forum provided on NSB.

image here

CONTACT SPORTS AND EXTREME SPORTS - I'm not an ob/gyn as you may have known or guessed.  But, from what I have learned through the journey of blogging on NSB, activities like horseback riding, bungee jumping and lacrosse become less easy to do when you're pregnant.  And, there are some studies showing that they present a risk to the little one.

image here

Now go ahead and comment with your vote.  I'll vote too.

Two Women, One Drink

If after reading the title of this post you now think I have a disturbing sense of humor, you're right.  I couldn't help myself.  The title is a play on the title of a highly disgusting youtube video that went viral about 5 years ago.  I'm not going to post a link to the video.  I'm not even going to reveal the true name of the video because I don't want "Stuff People Google" to take an ultra nasty turn in the next few weeks.  But, if you know what I'm talking about feel free to leave a comment about it.  I dare you.

Enough of that.

Drinking alcohol while trying to conceive is something I've touched upon in the past (here).  One can  completely lay off the sauce, carry on as usual or opt for something in between.  It's a personal choice and when it comes to making the choice, reasonable minds differ.  Two women may treat one drink (of alcohol) very different - see how I awkwardly circled back to the title?

image here

In recent times, I've found myself among several woman, all friends, who've made different choices when it comes to drinking alcohol while trying to get pregnant.  It was, unfortunately, awkward.  Everyone was upfront about pregnancy wishes and everyone was upfront about their personal choices when it came to alcohol consumption.  The awkwardness came from the non-upfront judgment that passed between the differing perspectives.

The Drinkers - These ladies thought it the non-drinkers were high strung and generally lame.  They were slightly annoyed that the non-drinkers had decided to take such an extreme measure.  What's the big deal with a single glass of wine?  It's not like the non-drinkers were actually pregnant.  Or...maybe they were actually pregnant, which is why they had drawn such a hard line...hmmm....

The Non-Drinkers - These ladies thought the drinkers were irresponsible and immature.  They were slightly concerned that the drinkers had decided to take such a cavalier stance on such an important issue.      A single glass of wine could be a single glass of wine too much.  It's impossible to know the moment that trying to get pregnant turns into being pregnant.

Of course I don't know exactly what the two sides were thinking because no one said anything out loud.  But, I think I've imagined a likely back and forth.  Just because reasonable minds may differ, doesn't mean reasonable minds don't judge each other differences.  Judging is human nature.  It's entirely unavoidable.  So I'm not going to suggest that you not judge because that wouldn't work.  But, maybe consider the other side because there is another side.

  

Telltale Signs

Technically, us ladies are physically ready to have a baby the moment we get our first period, but it usually takes a bit longer for our hearts and brains to catch up.  When the stars align and that full mind-body-soul-readiness manifests itself, articulating the feeling can be difficult.  Being "ready" to have a baby is a funny thing.  It's a state of being, an abstract idea that can't really be described in terms of how or why it comes about.  It's like loving someone - you can describe all the things that you love about a person, but describing the emotion itself is hard (if not impossible) to do.  On the other hand, actions tend to speak louder than words (or so the saying goes) and there seem to be a few telltale signs of a "ready" person.

Fiscal prioritizing.  All of the sudden trying the hottest restaurant, buying the newest seasonal fashion trends and planning the next vacation are no longer priority.  Money is more consciously spent and more frequently saved.  Long term financial priorities take front seat and trendy must haves fall to the wayside.

Totally not grossed out.  Vomiting, pooping, boogers and drooling are no big deal.  People love holding babies.  We specifically visit babies for the opportunity to hold them, seeing our friends and family is collateral.  There's nothing better than that perfect baby smell and soft baby skin as you cuddle your new mini best friend.  But, all things come to a crashing halt when your adorable bestie spits up all over your favorite cashmere sweater.  There's usually a quick pass off to mommy and a run to the bathroom to try and minimize the damage.  When you respond by giggling and shrug that you've been in dire need to bring the sweater for a good dry cleaning anyway, that's a serious moment of truth.

Are you thinking - SO cute or SO gross?
(image here)

Virgin margaritas taste the same as the real thing, pretty much.  No one's saying that your taste for Cabernet will suddenly vanish, but the thought of not being able to drink alcohol on New Year's Eve is no longer the biggest downer in the world.

Jealousy (much like imitation) is the sincerest form of flattery.  Every toddler, baby, pregnant lady and stroller in your line of sight is noticed.  People who want to live in Paris watch French movies, eat French food and obsessively eavesdrop on strangers with French accents.  People who want to have babies follow baby blogs....ehem...watch television shows about babies and awkwardly stare at every baby and pregnant lady that crosses their path.

What are the other telltale signs that you're seeing in people around you 

or you saw in yourself when the time was right?

Dear Google, Pregnancy + Alcohol....

It seems a week doesn't go by that I'm not addressing the drinking while pregnant issue.  It's a hot topic.  Scorching hot.  And scorching sensitive.  It makes people nervous and it stresses people out.  By "people" I mean those trying to get pregnant, those pregnant, friends and family of the former two categories, and everyone else.

To lighten this hot, sensitive mood, I am going to share a few phrases that people have searched online (aka Stuff People Google) in an attempt to answer their drinking-alcohol-while-pregnant questions.  Or, in some cases, phrases that just have to do with alcohol (minus the pregnancy part).  I'm privy to these search phrases because they led the searcher to Next Stop Baby.  Here they are with some commentary from the peanut gallery me.

drunken noodles during pregnancy

I've written about drunken noodles before, so I'm not entirely surprised that this search result included NSB.  What I am surprised by is that someone wondered about eating drunken noodles while pregnant.  The only reasonable explanation for this is that the typist must have believed drunken noodles to include alcohol in its ingredients.  Let me clear this up - No.  There is no alcohol in drunken noodles.  The name drunken noodles refers to its extremely spicy taste, which requires a lot of drinking to quench the flames.  Click here for a drunken noodles recipe, see for yourself. 

what does a vodka soda taste like

I also know why this searcher found NSB.  I wrote a post back in June (here) about how a pregnant woman can hide her pregnancy at an event where everyone is drinking alcohol.  In this post I mention vodka sodas several times.  I didn't describe the taste of a vodka soda, but if I had it would have gone like this: it tastes a little like vodka and a little like soda water.  I imagine that's how most would describe the taste of a vodka soda.  So, I doubt this typist found a valuable answer to his or her question on NSB or elsewhere.

can my husband drink while trying to conceive

I laughed when I read this.  I'm guessing that this searcher wanted to know whether a man's alcohol intake during conception can harm the soon-to-be-conceived fetus or whether a man's alcohol intake can affect his ability to conceive.  The short answer to the former question is No.  Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (per my lovely and brief internet research) isn't related to the father's alcohol consumption during conception.  The answer to the latter is what made me laugh.  Can a drunk man make it happen in the bedroom?  Well, that's for you to know about your man and this typist to figure out about hers.

A Pregnant Woman Walks Into a Bar...

A pregnant woman walks into a bar and is soon approached by a guy who says, "Can I sit here with you?"  

She says, "No, I'm expecting someone." 

Ba dum bum, CHING.  Get it?  She's "expecting" someone!?  Credit for this knee slapper goes to a George Voiland.

I seem to be writing about pregnancy and alcohol a lot lately (recent posts include here, here and here).  I'm not sure if it's an important issue or just important to me and the seemingly boozy company that I keep.  Like many issues relating to pregnancy, alcohol use can stir up heated and differing opinions - when to drink, how much to drink, to drink at all.  Pregnant and childless, men and women, old and young, all have something to say.  The mere presence of a pregnant woman in a bar turns heads. 

How do you feel about pregnant ladies in bars?  While you're thinking about this highly philosophical question, watch this somewhat related movie clip.  By now you realize that I love movies, especially critically unacclaimed ones.

I've had multiple experiences with pregnant women in bars.  Before delving into such experiences, let's nail down the nomenclature.  By "pregnant women" I'm talking about the gonna-pop-any-moment kind and not the I-never-would-have-guessed kind.  Both kinds are pregnant, but only one kind is pregnant to the unacquainted stranger.  Another point of clarification, by "bar" I mean a place that makes its primary business by serving alcoholic beverages. 

I was a cocktail waitress in college at a sketchy, local pub.  Once in a while a pregnant woman would come in to shoot pool and drink Bud Heavy (read: Budweiser, not the light kind).  I remember feeling incredibly uncomfortable when this would happen and I would avoid serving her.  In more recent times, I've observed pregnant women in bars that I patron and I've actually been to bars with pregnant friends.  It's a rare occasion, but when it does happen I'm not nearly as stressed by it.  My understanding of pregnancy health has increased and my judgmental nature has decreased. 

My personal comfort/discomfort aside, I think people in general are disturbed by pregnant women in bars.  Maybe "disturbed" is too strong a characterization.  Weirded out?  Concerned?  When pregnant Gwyneth Paltrow was spotted drinking a pint of Guinness during her 3rd trimester with Moses (her son, not the biblical prodigy) it made national tabloid news.     

The stylist for this photo shoot has
successfully confused the hell out of me.
Between the 1989 Barbie-esque hair and makeup,
the faux fur jacket, the hippie brown skirt...
image HERE

Being aware of the negative effects that alcohol can have on an unborn baby is just smart.  Pointing out such knowledge to the unknown pregnant lady sitting next to you at the bar borders on self-righteous.  As judgy as we may all feel about the topic, and I'm not judging you for being judgy...yeah...you read that correctly, consider leaving the pregnant ladies alone.  Let's judge in our heads, not with our eyes or our words.  Whether you see a pregnant bar goer sipping Guinness or sipping cranberry juice, let her be.  If anyone is going to have a serious discussion with her about pregnancy health it's gonna be her doctor.  And, probably, she's already had that conversation.  Who knows?  What we do know is that I'm no expert.  And neither are you.  Unless, of course, you're her doctor.

Drinking While Trying

Drinking while driving is an undisputed bad idea.  And, it's illegal.  But what about drinking while trying?  Can one maintain normal drinking patterns while trying to conceive a baby? 

Depends who you're asking and what your "normal drinking pattern" is.

If you're asking me (who's NOT a doctor, nor any sort of expert in the matter), I'd say it depends.  It depends on your personality.  It depends on whether you're the type of person who drives with both hands on the wheel at 10 o'clock and 2 o'clock or whether you rest your left arm on the window frame and casually grasp the bottom of the wheel with your right hand.  How much risk are your comfortable with?

Do you use the turn signal or
just GO (after a quick peek)?
image here

Most of us are aware that there is a risk in drinking alcohol while pregnant.  I did some hardcore lowcore internet research on the subject and found conflicting information as to the specific risk.  Some say that any drinking while pregnant is high risk behavior.  In fact, some say that drinking during the few days before getting pregnant is a bad idea.  Others say that drinking while pregnant will probably not put the fetus at risk unless it's excessive and/or constant, although the first trimester is the most sensitive development period and extra precautions should be taken.

With this, here are your drinking while trying options:

1. Clean and Sober:  Lay off the sauce.  It'll be an oh-so-sweet reunion someday, but time apart is healthy for all relationships.
2. Surf the Crimson Wave:  Don't drink alcohol until you're confirmed to be without child.  When you get your period and therefore aren't pregnant, go a few days without sex and have a few days with vodka sodas.
3. Live in Moderation: Regardless of your normal drinking habits, set yourself strict limits that equal less often and less alcohol per sitting.  Then go to Costco and buy yourself a life's supply of pregnancy tests.  The more you test, the more likely you are to know when the switch from trying to being takes place.
4. Drink up!: I'm sure you know someone who drank herself silly at a New Years Eve party while unknowingly pregnant.  If you don't, I do.  And, the baby is just perfect.   

You know you.  You know if you're the type of person who could have a drink and feel comfortable.  And you know if you're going to cry yourself to sleep for the remaining 8.5 months after a half glass of pinot grigio.  Do what's comfortable for you while keeping the health of your unborn baby in mind.  Oh, and your doctor knows a lot more about your unborn baby's health than I do, so start there!

Someone who will never cry about drinking pinot grigio.
image here

A Whole Nother Meaning for Crimson Wave

Let's head back to 1995 and reminisce about Clueless.  The word timeless comes to mind.  We were introduced to Suck and Blow and plaid blazers.  We learned that "the valley" was a bad, bad place.  And, though we knew it was more than just inappropriate, we rooted for step-siblings to get their french kiss on.  It was one of the best movies of the year and it is one of the most quotable movies of all time...if you were a teen female in 1995.   Being that I fit into that category, one of my favorite Clueless quotes is when Cher (Alicia Silverstone) says "I was surfing the crimson wave.  I had to haul ass to the ladies'."

Here's the trailer.  CLASSIC.

At first I didn't understand what "crimson wave" meant.  When a savvy friend explained that it was akin to "time of the month" and "monthly gift" (lame), I immediately added it to my repertoire.  Why say "I got my period" when you can say "I'm surfing the crimson wave"?

Years and years...and years...later, I've coined an alternative meaning for "surfing the crimson wave": getting drunk on red wine when you find out you're not pregnant.  I'll start from the top.  Trying to get pregnant is quite involved, and I don't just mean the sex part.  There's also the no alcohol part.  I think most of us know that alcohol is a bit of a no-no when pregnant, especially in the first trimester.  But one doesn't usually know the instant she becomes pregnant, which can lead to having an innocent dirty martini (or three) while being pregnant.  With this in mind, I have several friends who've decided to stay sober during the "trying" phase in order to eliminate the accidental drinking while pregnant scenario.

If trying isn't successful (aka you get your period), alcohol is a go...at least until you have unprotected sex again.  And so, with the crimson wave as we know it from Clueless comes the crimson wave as I've coined it - a whole hell of a lot of red wine.  My precautious friends lay off the sauce until they get their period, then wham: bring on the wine while the coast is clear! (Aka surf that crimson wave!)

While there are clear differences between Cher's version of the crimson wave and mine, both definitions could require some hauling ass to the bathroom.