Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Hiding Pregnancy From Your Boozy Friends

Two and a half years ago, I wrote a post (here) about trying to hide your pregnancy during a cocktail infused social situation. Over the past two and half years, I have had the experience of being that pregnant woman who tried to hide her business. I've also had the experience of witnessing pregnant women try to hide their business. I say "try" because, honestly, I've never seen it work. Not for me and not for anyone else.

So, I thought I'd go back over the methods that I listed back in June 2011 and see if I could provide some pointers now that I have actual experience under my formerly pregnant belt.

"I'm on Antibiotics"

Okay, I've never seen this one used, which may mean that it actually worked on me or that it's complicated, awkward and not a crowd favorite. There are two important considerations with this option. First, if you're sick enough to need antibiotics, why aren't you home in bed? Second is the details. What are you sick with and what kind of antibiotics are you taking and are you sure you're not suppose to drink on them? This one needs to be thoroughly thought out and you also have to be comfortable telling a full on lie.

"I'm not feeling well"

Please. You're not well enough to have a Mimosa but you're well enough to get up and out for a Sunday morning brunch? No one is buying it.

Enlist the Waiter/Bartender and Order a Drink Look-a-like

This is a popular method, but more complicated than one would think. Hence, I've seen it fail on multiple occasions. First, make sure the waiter charges you for a vodka soda even though he's only bringing you soda. When you're splitting the bill at the end of the night, a nosy friend is going to give you a shout out when your "cocktail" is listed as "seltzer" and it cost $2 instead of $8. Second, make sure that the waiter/bartender uses glassware that's intended for alcohol. If your gin and tonic comes in a pint glass instead of a high ball glass, your cover is blown. And make sure the bartender doesn't mark your non-alcoholic drink with a double straw or extra lemons or a handful of cherries.

Fake Drink

Some people are decent at it, but no one is great. Other than the fact that the level of wine in your glass doesn't go down, fake drinking is actually harder than you would think. Poor form can leave liquid dribbling down your chin. If this is your method of choice, I recommend a bottled beer - they're the easiest to not actually drink from and they are the hardest for someone to look at and determine how much liquid remains.

Partner Up With a Booze Bag

This method was not included in my original post and probably for good reason, it (too) doesn't work well. I say this having tried it myself. Here's the plan, you sit next to someone who knows that you're pregnant. You both order the same drink. You strategically place both of your drinks next to one another. Your booze bag partner alternates drinking from both of your glasses. Sounds like it has potential. For me, it failed miserably because my partner got wasted and pulled both of our glasses directly in front of him and double fisted. If you guessed that my partner was my husband, you'd be correct. We should have practiced.

House Party Fake Out

A commentor on the original post told a story of her friend who emptied out a bottle of Coors Light, filled it with water and drank water out of the bottle all night. Clever. I've also seen this one in action and only figured it out because I was already suspicious. Unfortunately, this is really a house party can't bring your bottle of beer to the bathroom with you at a restaurant and women tend to take group bathroom trips at bars.

I wonder if Kim Zolciak-Biermann fake drank wine during her first trimester?
(image source: Kim Zolciak Instagram)

What method did you use? Did it work? Did you ever catch anyone using one of the above methods? Any methods that I missed?


headxplode said...

I had a friend tell us that she wasn't drinking because she had to drive home. When the rest of the dinner party (me included) chimed in with the old "Oh come on! You can have ONE!", she turned the conversation around to make the rest of us feel like irresponsible alcoholics.

The Mrs./The Mom said...

I rememeber when you posted these suggestions before! I don't drink so I find all of these too cumbersome. Are people really THAT pushy when you turn down alcohol? I'm glad I wouldn't have to deal with that.

Leah (it's me) said...

headxplode - that's a nice tactic, flip the script

The Mrs./The Mom - Nice to hear that not everyone needs to be a sneaky pregnant magician. Were there other situations (non-alochol related situations) that forced you to tell a white lie or otherwise hide your pregnancy because you weren't ready to share the news?

MissMommy said...

the, im the DD one is a good one, any time someone gives me crap over "just one" I say im a lightweight and do they want to bail me out of jail, usually shuts them up when their responsibilities are questioned.