Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Meathole of the Week: Amber Portwood

Who remembers the movie Ernest Goes to Jail?  I do.  Sort of.  I don't remember the plot or really anything about the movie other than the title and the lead actor.  For those who need a refresher, it came out in 1990 and was a sequel of sorts to Ernest Goes to Camp.  Jim Varney played Ernest in both. 

What's the segway?  Well, much like Ernest went to Jail in 1990, Teen Mom's Amber Portwood is heading to jail in 2012.  She will be the little darling of the Indiana Department of Corrections for the next five years.  And, as the title of this posts suggests, she will also be the Meathole of the Week on Next Stop Baby.  That's right, I'm bring back the Meathole of the Week because the original post (here) was so darn popular.  Speaking of, I almost made Ms. Hilary Duff a two time Meathole winner thanks to more annoying comments she recently made about how she's a genius at changing diapers and her son's a genius for rolling over.  Irkity Irk.

Back to Amber.  Whatever we think about shows like Jersey Shore and Teen Mom, we can begrudgingly concede that the cast members make bank.  Yes they earn that money by acting like the lowest common denominator, but I think it's safe to say that a portion of that grotesque behavior is choreographed (intentionally or subconsciously) for the cameras.  Crazy sells.  So, I don't fault Amber for viciously arguing with her child's father on camera or generally making us gasp at her lack of parenting skills.  She's paid to do that, sort of.  And Mama Amber's not bringing home the bacon in any other discernible way. 

Where the problem lies is in her need to repeatedly break the law.  Amber is to Teen Mom what Angelina is was to Jersey Shore.  Angelina couldn't suck up the fact that she hated all the other guido punks for just a few weeks out of the year to set herself up financially for life (or at least a couple decades).  Amber couldn't subdue her desire to abuse drugs and physically assault people for the sake of her daughter, much less for the sake of a pay check.


In second thought, maybe Angelina is the true Meathole because she's just a loud mouthed pain in the ass, where as Amber has a clinical drug addiction.  Either way, both girls have successfully dumped their cash cows in the garbage.  And, in Amber's case, she dumped her daughter in the hands whoever is legally able to care for her while she spends half a decade sporting an orange jumper and trying not to drop the soap.

But wait, some of you are thinking - forget Angelina, those soulless producers over at MTV are the true Meatholes.  On some level the old, wise adults at MTV knew exactly the type of teenage time bomb they cast as a Teen Mom.  You're thinking that the MTV staff has taken their formulaic television programming to a disgusting new level by supplying underage, drug addicted, anger unmanaged mothers with more than enough dough to feed all of their gnarly habits (and not their kids).  I hear ya, but I won't subscribe to this perspective until I'm given convincing evidence that, on top of all that cold hard cash, MTV also provides free access to drugs and weapons for all its teen mothers.  I don't think MTV can be blamed when there are plenty of young ladies on Teen Mom that did the opposite of Amber and got their shit together (relatively speaking).

Nothing like a good Meathole discussion to kick off your Tuesday.  What's your take?


The Mrs./The Mom said...

I could care less about Amber or Angelina. I don't watch the Jersey shore and something tells me that Leah will be just a little better off with her Mom in jail for a while (although I wished Amber would have gotten it together before it came to this point).

In spite of all that I don't think MTV is to blame one bit. These teen moms submitted their story to MTV when they peed on that stick and the pink line popped up so they asked to be expolited like this. Furthermore, I think they could have used it as a spring board to 'provide a better life' in spite of their situation. Most of the smart girls has used their popularity to 'sell' speaking engagements and modeling careers- this meathead decided not to do any of that. Why is that MTV's fault? You know the old saying 'you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink'.

Lastly, I think they act like this to stay relevant. The longer they stay in the news- the more they get paid for gossip interviews and hopes of MTV reknewing another season. Again, not MTV's fault that they would rather get their 15 minutes of fame from bad publicity rather than good.

*steps off soapbox*

Whitney said...

She needed to go to jail. Hopefully this will be time for her to get her crap together and grow up a little and let Gary raise their daughter in peace. No more yelling around little Leah for 5 years. Seems like a good deal to me.

WW said...

First off...I could be wrong...but I am not sure that girls worry about dropping the soap. Made me laugh anyway.

Also...and I could be wrong on this too....but do you remember janelle going to rehab during one season? I think MTV paid for that. I know that there are plenty of good rehabs in this area (none of which I have been to) but she went to California. I am thinking on their dime.

And one more thing...why do theses girls always cry poverty while on the show? Do they not get paid until the show airs? Does MTV even pay them? I know someone that was on a weightloss reality show and did not get paid. Maybe that is why they are on the cover of people magazine....because they pay.

Again I have no idea how this twisted reality world works...I am just happy I get the watch it all from afar.

Leah (it's me) said...

Dear Fellow Soap Boxers - Thank you! I can't help myself but comment when I read about stuff like this.

WW - Yes, Teen Moms and Jersey Shorers are paid for their participation. Paid quite well. I believe the Huffington post covered the Jersey Shore salaries upward of $100k per cast member per season. My guess is that the first season of any reality show offers the cast members a small stipend and if the show does well then salaries are negotiated. All those Teen Mom boob jobs aren't subsidized by part-time mall jobs.