Round Two: Surprise...or Not

When you were pregnant with your first, you have a sort of clean canvas upon which to decide whether you would find out the baby's gender.  Or not.  You consider a bunch of things, but mostly you go with your gut (i.e. I NEED TO KNOW...or surprises are the best).  Now, you're pregnant with bambino numero dos and you're once again faced with the decision to find out the baby's gender or not.

This time around, the canvas ain't blank.  In fact, this time around, the canvas is completely splattered and smudged and smeared with the loving art of your firstborn.  So, the considerations you had when making the determination with your first are probably going to be different than this time around.

For starters, whether you decided to find out the gender of your firstborn or not, you now know that he is a he or she is a she.  So, you now have gender specific things all over your house - clothes, shoes, toys, bedding, gear and countless other miscellaneous baby accoutrement.  Whether you wanted to or not, you've been gifted and otherwise accumulated lots and lots of girly or boy-ey (?) stuff.  If baby number two is the opposite gender, you may find yourself needing to (or wanting to) purchase some stuff that suits his or her gender.

They (tropical5 on Etsy) makes pacifiers that are blinged out with Swarovski gems.
You may want to go with something less...pink and sparkly for your baby boy.  Maybe.

There's also the fact that baby number one is around for this pregnancy.  Baby number one is following along, on some level, and may benefit from knowing baby number two's gender.  You may benefit from using baby number two's gender in your readying of baby number one for this major life transition.  Or,

And, what about the logistics involved with where baby number two will set up shop for the long run?  If you're going to have two kiddos of the same gender, it might be in your plan for them to share a bedroom.  Two kiddos of opposite gender may influence you to give everyone their own space.  This sort of decision is nice to make in advance because it gives everyone some time to emotionally adjustment and it gives you time to physically get the space ready.  

Perhaps the lavender decor is too girly for your baby boy?  

Perhaps the airplane decor is too boy-ey for your baby girl?

I didn't find out the gender of my firstborn.  I was miserable about it for the first trimester and most of the second...just desperate to know what my husband and I had decided not to know.  About halfway through my second trimester the desperation simmered.  By my third trimester I was pretty excited that we had kept it a surprise.  On the day that my daughter arrived, I was already sure that we would keep baby number two's gender a surprise as well.  I wonder if my mind will change when the time comes...



  

Top 10 Reasons to Keep the Baby's Gender a Surprise

After last week's post on the Top 10 Reasons to Find Out the Baby's Gender, I thought it was only fair to play devil's advocate and give you the flip side.

Top 10 Reasons to Keep the Baby's Gender a Surprise

1. Surprises are underrated.

2. Control is overrated. 

3. Practicality.  When the baby's gender is unknown, practical gift giving is the name of the game. Bottles and diapers are must haves for all babies.

4. Extra Motivation.  I've heard from more than one mother that not knowing the baby's gender gave her extra motivation to push on the big day.  Not only did she want to meet her baby (of course), but she was incredibly eager to find out the gender.

5. Avoidance of Tacky Gender Stereotypes.  Some parents are into pink lace for girls and blue corduroy for boys.  Some aren't.  For the latter, keeping the baby's gender a surprise will help avoid getting hyper gender specific gifts that aren't wanted in the first place.

6. Tempering Expectations.  It's easy to associate gender with certain life paths, career wise and otherwise.  This sort of dreaming can create severe and often superficial expectations before the baby is even born (i.e. baby girl is going to be a ballerina with long brown hair).  When you don't know the baby's gender you focus on more neutral, genuine expectations (i.e. baby is going to be smart with a great sense of humor).

7. The Guessing Game.  Examining all the wives' tales and using the Chinese Gender Predictor is good wholesome fun.  Friends and family can even get a baby pool going.  What's a baby pool?  I'll tell you: everyone throws a nominal amount of money in the pot and guesses the baby's gender, due date and weight.  Person who guesses correct gender and due date wins.  Closest weight guess breaks a tie. 

8. Older Generation Digs It.  While peers may think you're nutso for not taking advantage of technology, your parents' generation and beyond will give you kudos.  After all, your grandparents didn't even have the option to find out and they got along just fine.

9. Nursery Dilemmas.  For those who live in one bedroom apartments or studios, the baby's nursery won't be a space of its own.  Rather, it's part of shared space.  This means that the nursery decor must vibe with the entire living space - pink elephant curtains and blue airplane wall decals probably won't work.  Keeping the style mature and unisex is much easier when the baby's gender is unknown.

10. It Doesn't Matter.  Boy or girl, your baby is money.

Top 10 Reasons to Find Out the Baby's Gender

I haven't done a Top 10 list in a really, really long time.  With all the talk of gender neutral versus gender specific baby stuff from Tuesday (here), I was inspired to get back on the horse.  Here I go...

Top 10 Reasons to Find Out the Baby's Gender

1. Surprises are overrated.

2. Control is underrated. 

3.  Bonding.  Some say that knowing the baby's gender helps create an extra dimension to the mom-baby bond because you can start to develop a more detailed vision of who your youngin' will be.  In other words, you can let your imagination run wilder than you could without knowing.

4.  Nursery Decorating.  This is a driving force in most decisions to learn the gender (this and #2).  Unisex bedding options are sparse and finding gender neutral accessories can be tricky.

5.  Prevent People from Guessing.  Whether family, friends or complete strangers, they will all guess at the baby's gender.  And you know about those wives' tales (boy = carrying high, girl = carrying low, boy = pregnancy glow, girl = pregnancy sucked out the pretty...).  Who wants a bunch of strangers guessing that you're having a girl?!

6.  Hand Me Downs.  People inevitably offer expecting moms their hand me downs, which is fantastic when it comes to saving some bucks.  Whether those hand me downs are gear, clothes, toys or otherwise, a lot of them will be gender specific.  If you don't know the gender, you generally don't get the hand me downs.  Now, you may get the them after the baby is born, but you risk losing the goods to another baby who's gender is known in the meantime.

7.  The Name Game.  Picking a name can be anxiety inducing for some.  If picking one name sounds like a huge burden to bear, then picking two names will clearly be twice the stress.

8.  Knowing is Half the Battle.  Parenting with success is arguably the most important mission of one's life.  The more information one can gain about the mission to come, the better off one will be when the mission arrives...or so I hear from G.I. Joe.

9.  Testing the Gender Predictors.  Between the Chinese Gender Predictor calendar thing and the long list of wives' tales, there are an infinite number of non-scientific ways to predict the gender of an unborn baby.  If you use the scientific method to find out the baby's gender, then you can put those non-scientific methods to the test.

10.  Coping With What's To Come.  Some parents-to-be have their heart set on one gender or the other.  Learning the baby's gender at an early stage can help set expectations.  It will also buy time to grow comfortable with what's to come and seek out friendly advice.   


Any other reasons that you can think of?  Agree or disagree with any of the items on this list?  If you want to check out my other Top 10 lists click here, here and here.

All Wives Tales Pointing to...

It must be exceptionally easy for you to tell what's going on in my life based on what kind of posts I write.  I get hung up on certain topics for chunks of time.  With May's gift of the new popular baby name list from the SSA, I was obsessively writing about baby names (here, here, here and here).  Today I'm going to write about baby gender predictions, which falls right in line with all the gender neutral posts I've been writing lately.

When the baby-to-be's gender is a surprise, it inevitably leads to guesses, hypotheses and even some harmless betting.  Some people just have a hunch that it's one or the other.  Others base their guesses on old wives tales.  For example, according to preggers legend, the appearance of the mother during the pregnancy is linked to the baby's gender - is she carrying high (girl) or low (boy)?  Is she all glowy (boy) or all haggard (girl)?  Is she slender with a basketball bump (boy) or pudgy with a tank ass (girl)?  If you weren't sure, as soon as you read "tank ass" you realized that it's not necessarily a compliment to be pegged as pregnant with a little girl.  I've heard that it's common for people to guess a boy up until about 7.5 months, then suddenly change their mind.  Apparently even slender, glowy ladies can appear haggard and pudgy at the end.

Remember how good Victoria Beckham looked with all of her pregnancies?   There was actually a bit of controversy because she supposedly only gained 15 lbs with her first pregnancy.  I can gain 15 lbs after a big meal.  Anyway, the photo above is from her 4th pregnancy...OR NOT.  It's a couple pretending to be Mr. and Mrs. Becks for the Daily Mail.  How random.  Were you fooled? 

Besides appearance based tales, there are a host of other scientific indicators unproven signs.  I wrote about some of these signs a while back.  What I'm curious to know this time around is whether any of them are remotely accurate.  They're fun to talk about and to use for guesswork, but do they work?  Even a little?  Here are the lists (from the past post):

Signs you're carrying a GIRL

• You're carrying high
• Your pee is dull yellow
• Bad morning sickness
• Sweet food cravings
• Baby's heart rate averages more than 140 beats per minute
• Your left breast becomes noticeably larger than your right breast
• When you hang a ring (wedding band or otherwise) over your belly it swings from side to side
• Your hair develops red highlights
• The sum of your age at the time you conceived and the month in which you conceived is an odd number (example: 28 when conceived, baby due in July. 2+8 = 10 + 7 = 17...girl)
• You are plagued by bad acne

Signs you're carrying a BOY

• You're carrying low
• Your pee is bright yellow
• Baby is kicking a lot
• Salty food cravings
• The hair on your legs is growing like crazy
• Baby's heart rate averages less than 140 beats per minute
• When you hang your ring (wedding band or otherwise) over your belly it swings in a circle
• Your feet are always cold
• The sum of your age at the time you conceived and the month in which you conceived is an even number

Think back to your pregnancy, which of the above signs were accurate, which signs were red herrings?  Do you have a pregnant friend who suddenly appears to have auburn hair?  A pregnant cousin who's constantly complaining about cold feet?

Next, behold the Chinese Gender Predictor (or part of it...it goes up to age 45):

I'm guessing that most of you have heard of the Chinese Gender Predictor and possibly used it.  It's a calendar of sorts that is based on lunar months and time of conception and magic.  It seems to be the most highly regarded gender predictor out there (other than sonograms and the technicians that do them).  I hear it's 50% accurate...badumbum, ching.  Go to Baby Center (here) and plug in your numbers to test it's genius.  Let me know how accurate it was in predicting your baby's gender, your gender, your aunt's gender, whatever. 

Cute(ish) Gender Neutral Clothes

The decision to find out the baby's gender is a big one.  If the decision is yes, a sonogram between 17 and 20 weeks does the trick.  A sonogram technician checks out the baby's nether regions and determines whether there's a third leg (ahem) or not.  In fact, nowadays, sonogram machines are so high tech (especially those 3-D ones) that you can see all the parts, whether boy or girl.  Still, I've heard that prudish little ones who keep their legs firmly closed can make it difficult to predict gender with certainty.  But, that's the exception.  More often than not, a woman's uterus is like Bourbon Street - baby feels free to show off the goods.  

Based on the pregnant ladies and moms I know (good friends, coworkers, acquaintances, friends of friends, etc.), the current and clear trend is to take advantage of modern technology and learn the baby's gender.  But, of course, some do opt for the surprise.  There's no wrong choice, but there are pros, cons and general considerations.  I've previously written about this big decision (here) and while I won't rehash that entire post, below is a list I came up of some of the important considerations:

Siblings

Baby Shower Gifts

Mistaken Predictions

Names

Nursery Decor

Curiosity 

Today I'm going to focus on item number two.  Specifically, how gender affects the gifting of baby clothes.  When gender is known, people tend to gift the mom-to-be with baby clothes.  It can't be helped given all the adorable baby girl and baby boy clothing out there - pink tutus, navy overalls, princess onesies and sailor hats.  When gender is a surprise, people tend not to gift the mom-to-be with baby clothes.  It's avoided because gender neutral clothes are not all that adorable.  Right?  This is the assumption of most.  This is (was) my assumption.  With this in mind, I made it my mission to find adorable, gender neutral baby clothes.  

Let's start with a little quiz that I myself faced early in the search.  Below are two adorable babies.  Who is a boy, who is a girl?  Are they both boys/girls?      

Monkey Organic Jumper
by My Little Pakora ($28)

Towelling All-in-on
by Mini Boden ($36)

If you guessed that they were both BOYS, you're probably right.  I have no way of knowing for sure (I don't know these babies personally), but both of these outfits are the boy version.  I'll prove it to you with the girl version below.

by My Little Pakora

by Mini Boden

This first little experiment made me feel like gender neutral clothes were either going to be boy clothes that girls could get away with or vica versa.  That discouraged me.  I wanted to find true gender neutral clothes, not makeshift gender neutral clothes.  My search continued and I think I found some winners. Below are the results.  Let me know what you think.  

Clockwise from the top left:
Striped Duck Creeper by Carter's ($5.99)
Seahorse Footie Onesie by Kate Quinn Organics ($38)
Little Bundles 3-Pack Bodysuit by Old Navy ($15)
Ocean Amigos Romper by Kissy Kissy ($34)

Where have you have found adorable gender neutral clothes?  What brands?

Your Baby Looks Like....

Your baby looks like David Letterman. 

Ever met a baby that looked so much like David Letterman that you absolutely needed to make the comment?  Thankfully, I haven't.  Not exactly.  I have wanted to say: your baby looks like an old man.  The baby was a little girl and I did actually say it.  Outloud.  But, I was alone on my couch perusing through Facebook photos so it didn't much matter.

I try to keep these type observations to myself.  Or, to the empty rooms of my apartment.  I've decided that any reference to a baby looking older than 6 months should be avoided.  Even if the baby looks like an adorable senior citizen, even if you mean it in the kindest way possible, it might not be perceived as a compliment.  I get offended when strangers comment on my dog's appearance.  Just last week, a youngish, hipsterish fellow told me that my dog looked like Baxter from Anchor Man.  I was pissed, though I thanked him.  Baxter's a fine looking dog, but he is a HE and my dog is a SHE.  And, my dog's looks far exceed fine.

Keeping it classy.

Consider this scenario: a baby who looks EXACTLY like one parent.  This little bundle defines the gross term "spitting image".  Do you comment about the obvious likeness? It seems like a no brainer - Yes.  It makes sense (genetically) and what parent doesn't want there child to look like them (or their spouse)?  Think again.  There are parents out there that don't appreciate your opinion that the baby looks like anyone other than them, the other parent included.

One final, even trickier, scenario: a baby who looks like no one.  Your brown hair, brown eyed friend and her brown hair, brown eyed husband introduce you to their blond hair, blue eyed baby.  The baby's nose is an original and her mouth is somehow the exact opposite of both parents' mouths.  There's a slight similarity between the shape of her eyes and the shape of one parent's eyes, kind of...not really.  Overall, this baby may have been switched at birth because the resemblance is shockingly absent.  Do you comment - where did this blond beauty come from?  Do you make a joke of it - someone was sleeping with the mailman.  Do you throw the question back at the parents - who do you think she looks like?  Do you ignore it altogether?

I've encountered all three of these scenarios at one time or another.  I've met the baby who looks like George Bush Sr.  I've met the mother who doesn't like people commenting that her baby looks like her husband.  I've met the baby who looks like neither of his parents.  Being that I'm not typically quick on my feet in the face of potentially awkward conversation, I've managed to say the wrong thing in all situations.  The lesson that I've learned and the most simplified rule of thumb is to always choose the path of least resistance.  When it comes to babies, even a slight bobble of words can create a highly offended parent.  It's a sensitive subject and understandably so.  What is this non-resistant path?  Just say "she/he is a combination of both parents."  If this is a complete lie and you're not comfortable with that (by the way, paaaaalease, it's so not a big deal), then just don't make any look-a-like comment.  Stick with general terms like "cute" and "adorable" and "perfect". 

Ever been in one of these situations?  Have any words of wisdom to share?  Moms (and dads...if you read...) how do you feel when someone makes a comment about your baby's appearance or resemblance to someone else?

The Big Wand

The things I don't know about pregnancy and childbirth are, again, catching up with me.  I say "again" because it was only a month ago that I had a preeclampsia freak out and decided that my approach to pregnancy know-how had to change.  This morning's post (The Big Reveal) included a fabulous photo of a "sonogram wand".  I had a good time making perverted jokes about its shape.  Within a few hours of the post going live, I received one comment and a couple behind the scenes communications from friends and family: the sonogram wand photo isn't a sonogram wand photo.  I guess my reliance on wikipedia and urbandictionary.com for hard facts is finally catching up with me. 

Turns out that the photo below is an internal sonogram wand.  Not the one that is pressed against a pregnant belly to determine the unborn baby's gender.  OOOPS!  I haven't delved further into this discovery - I don't know when or why this internal sonogram wand is used - though I probably should given that its image is now posted twice on my blog.

An internal sonogram want (aka not what you thought)

This photo shows the sonogram wand that is used to determine the baby's gender.  Slightly less phallic shaped.

The goop has a slight blue tint.  Interesting.
(image here)

Despite my sudden need to know more about pregnancy and childbirth, it's clear that I don't know much...and that there's a lot to know.  Does this mean that I'll break down and purchase a pre-pregnancy educational book!?!  Stay tuned...

The Big Reveal

Once you make the decision to learn your unborn baby's gender in advance, an immediate countdown to sonogram day begins.  Typically, the big reveal occurs in the doctor's office on the examination table.  The sonogram technician plops some clear goop on your pregnant belly, presses the phallic shaped sonogram wand to your skin, looks at the blurry black and white screen and says, "Do you want to know the gender?"  You've been waiting for this question and you know your answer, "YES!"

A sonogram wand (aka not what you thought).

Learning your baby's gender while wearing a hospital gown is a time honored tradition.  There's something charming about trying to find the penis or acknowledging the lack thereof in the grainy sonogram image.  I have no doubt that sonogram technician's vividly remember the best, worst and most frightening expressions on the faces of the anxious parents-to-be.

For non-traditionalist who want to take the big reveal out of the doctor's office, consider using a note.  Parents can ask the sonogram technician to write down the gender on a piece of paper and seal it in an envelope.  The envelope can be opened later at a chosen destination.  A couple can open it together in the comfort of their home, over some romantic Chinese food take out and a couple glasses of sparkling apple cider.  The envelope can be brought to a big family dinner.  Get some group participation going by asking everyone at the table to first guess the gender.  After the big reveal, the winners can relax while everyone else cleans up.  People love betting.  I'll address baby pools at some point.  I digress...

The note is certainly a less classic and more orchestrated option.  It also drags out that anticipation even further, which can be a pro or a con depending on the person.  On the other hand, it preserves that major moment for just the couple to consider and enjoy.  It's more intimate without the inclusion of a stranger (aka the sonogram technician) and the couple can craft it to their style and personalities.

How did you choose to learn the gender of your baby?  How do you want to find out?  

You're the Proud Parent of a Beautiful Baby...

Is it a girl or boy?

At the midway ultra sound (which isn't actually midway through the pregnancy because it typically occurs between 18 and 20 weeks) the doctor (or more likely the ultrasound technician) can determine the baby's gender.  Until then, it's a fun guessing game.  And for those who choose to forgo the psychic powers of technology, it's a mystery until the doctor hands over the screaming, slime covered, naked little bundle in the hospital.

Despite my impossibly curious nature, I always imagined being surprised.  But lately, that vision has deflated.  Keeping it a mystery seems to invite guesswork by everyone and anyone.  Strangers especially.  Some of the folklore used to generate these "educated" opinions is pretty cruel.  The primary culprit is the "pregnancy glow" theory.  Apparently a woman carrying baby boy is noticeably gorgeous and glowing and the opposite is true of a woman carrying a baby girl.  I've actually heard someone say that a baby girl "sucks the beauty" out of the mom-to-be.  Huh!?  How awful.  When someone says, "you definitely look like you're having a girl" does that translate to "you're looking like a hot, fat mess"?

NO.  No it does not.  

I'm here to tell you that the baby girl = ugly indicator is a myth.  A mean myth.  I have many a friend who had a beautiful looking pregnancy that resulted in a beautiful baby girl.  

For those, like me, who hope to keep it a surprise without developing a complex, here are some sweet, funny, non-scientific (read: not sound at all) predictors of the baby's gender.

Signs that you are carrying a GIRL:

• You're carrying high
• Your pee is dull yellow
• Bad morning sickness
• Sweet food cravings
• Baby's heart rate averages more than 140 bpm (beats per minute)
• Your left breast becomes noticeably larger than your right breast (!?)
• When you hang a ring (wedding band or otherwise) over your belly it swings from side to side
• Your hair develops red highlights
• The sum of your age at the time you conceived and the month in which you conceived is an odd number
• You are plagued by bad acne

Signs that you are carrying a BOY:

• You're carrying low
• Your pee is bright yellow
• Baby is kicking a lot
• Salty food cravings
• The hair on your legs is growing like crazy
• Baby's heart rate averages less than 140 bpm
• When you hang your ring (wedding band or otherwise) over your belly it swings in a circle
• Your feet are always cold
• The sum of your age at the time you conceived and the month in which you conceived is an even number

Here are a few links to gender predictor quizzes

Ancient Chinese Birth Chart (via parents.com)

Gender Prediction Quiz (via parents.com)

Old Wives Tale Quiz (via babygenderprediction.com)

Old Wives Tale Quiz (via babyzone.com)